


I'm Sorry for Us

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depressing, Drinking to Cope, Heartbreak, M/M, Post-Loss, Regan Week 2017, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-01 01:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11476056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: Being happy only lasted so long in a world where the dead walked, Rick and Negan had known that since the beginning but it didn't lessen the pain this time around.





	I'm Sorry for Us

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4 of Regan week, topic: Death
> 
>  

_I can watch and not take part_

  
_Where I end and where you start_

 

_Where you, you left me alone_

 

_You left me alone_

 

_\- Radiohead_

* * *

 

_Do you ever wonder what it would be like if never found us? If you never met us?"_

  
  
  
_Negan felt how warm Rick was against him and how he was holding him tightly like a baby blanket. Almost every fucking day he thought about who he'd be without Rick or Carl in his life. And sure it hadn't always been easy when it came to the 'future serial killer' but he loved that kid, he would die for him. So in turn he wouldn't be remotely the same man he was before, ruling so chaotically and almost making his people revolt._  


  


_"Yes I do but darling right now it doesn't matter at fucking all because you're not going anywhere. And unless you plan to leave me for Fat Joey then I'm in the damn clear." Negan continued stroking his husband's curls, taking in the sight of how stunning he was._  


  
  
_The younger man huffed a laugh then lightly shoved against Negan's chest. "Why do you keep jokin' bout that? I doubt he's into men and his name is Joseph so don't be rude."_  
  


 

_"Ooh his name's Joseph huh?" Negan said playfully. "Well I think he totally is baby, he stammers when you're around and I swear when you walk away he checks out your ass."_  
  


  
_Rick started cackling, "Looks like you're the one that's jealous."_

  
  
  
_"That's it, you're gonna fucking get it now." Negan wiggled his fingers to show what was about to happen next. "You're about to be tickled so badly you might piss yourself.. like that one time."_

  
  


_"I did warn you that I had to pee and we were drunk as shit, you asshole."_  


  
  
_"Fair enough but these hands were made for ticklin'." Negan said in a terrible southern accent._

  
  
  
_"Number one that accent is terrible, number two you're an asshole and number three you'll have to catch me."_

  
  
  
_And before Negan could even begin is tickle fest Rick jumped out of bed like a goddamn monkey. His husband was literally sticking his tongue out and lingering between the hallway and their room._

  
  


_"When I catch you and I fucking will! I will smack that pretty ass so red you won't be able to sit for a fucking week. And then I'll tickle the shit outta you." Negan winked before quickly sliding out of bed and chasing Rick out of the room._

 

  


_They ran down the hallway and almost crashed into people but holy fucking shit Rick was fast. He knew that he could run like a mother fucker when he needed to. But this was insanely fast considering Rick didn't have the long legs like him._

  
  
  
_Rick slowed down a bit, "You're gettin' old."_  
  


 

 

_"You love my old fucking ass."_

 

  
  


_"True, I do." Rick winked before speeding up again._

 

  
  
  
_Everyone that was passing by looked at them like they were fucking idiots and yet Negan couldn't give two shits._  
 

 

* * *

  
 

Who knew the world wasn't completely dead before this moment, that it was still spinning for Negan and the rest of the miserable ass survivors on this planet.

 

 

 

Negan thought he had died when Lucille slipped away in that hospital bed but truth be told that only took away a piece of him. And he never really liked the man he was before, he fucked over the only person who loved him in his former life. Then he met Rick who made him look at things more compassionately, who wanted a better world and now he was fucking gone. Right in this moment Negan was certain that was nothing left of him to scramble together.

 

 

 

The only reason he wasn't blowing his brains to the goddamn sky was because of Carl. He had a kid to take care of and he'd made a fucking promise that he wouldn't desert the boy.  
 

  
 

Staring at the body of his husband, the man that he loved, was making him feel so sick that he could puke. He cradled Ricks head so delicately as if he was still alive. "Oh god, Rick. Wake the fuck up! Wake the fucking fuck up! You can't be dead."  
   
   
   
Negan tried to gather some words to say but he just kept croaking, slobbering all over the place, his cheeks were wetter than the Atlantic and his eyes started stinging. All he could do was stare at Ricks beautiful face that was more pale than usual but he looked peaceful. There was a huge bite mark close to his neck and he kept replaying the moment it happened like this was a movie. He pressed rewind when he got to the part of Rick saying that he was Carl's parent now, that he loved them both more than anything.  
 

  
   
Knowing that he couldn't watch Rick reanimate and that he couldn't see those pretty blue eyes glazed over he decided to end it completely. He pulled his Bowie knife out of his pocket, giving himself a few moments more to finally do it. Maybe it was weak to give himself a couple moments.

 

 

 

Maybe there was no room for that in this world anymore. But who really gave two iotas? He would have to go back to the Sanctuary to tell Carl his dad was dead.

 

 

 

There wasn't any of that lightening the blow bullshit, this was going to hit the kid so god damn hard. And after they both lost so much prior to meeting Negan it was heart breaking. Negan was now the only family the kid had left.  
 

 

  
 

Negan plunged the knife into the side of Rick's head but kept whispering that he was sorry (as if that would make a fucking difference) and then loaded Rick's body into the vehicle. He made certain he was positioned properly and not flopped around like a dead carcass. Sitting in silence wasn't going to work so Negan put on the CD that Rick played all the time and had the volume up loud.  
 

  
  
_It's all over, it's all over_  
  
_My heart echoed, it's all over_  
  
   
 

_Fuck you Johnny Cash, fuck you._  
 

  
   
Negan drove back to the Sanctuary as quickly as he could without raising any eyebrows. You could never be too careful because there were communities out there that he knew wanted him dead. He parked the car outside of the gates like always did and called out for someone to open the damn thing for him. The only thing that was different this time was that Rick wouldn't be coming out of the car with him. Negan was feeling even more light headed and the guy who was opening the gate asked what was wrong.  
   
 

 

  
"What's wrong? What's fucking wrong? My goddamn husband is dead in the back fucking seat! That's what's fucking wrong now go get Carl and if you tell him what's happened then I will throw you in the furnace."

 

  
   
   
"Okay sir!" The guy stuttered before running in the opposite direction.  
   
 

 

   
Negan had Lucille in the front seat of the car and he was contemplating retiring her because Rick wanted him to put the memory of his deceased wife to rest. He waited and waited until Carl was finally coming out of the old factory to meet him. Given the fact that he threatened to throw that guy into the furnace he knew that Carl had no idea.

 

 

  
 

"Why did you get me to come out here?" Carl asked directly. "And where's dad and why is he not with you? I thought you guys went on a run today?"  
 

 

  
   
Negan's bottom lip was quivering again, "Um, I need to tell something."

 

  
   
 

"What is it? Is dad okay? Did someone from the communities we take from kidnap him? I swear if that's what happened we have to fight .. we can't just -"

 

  
   
 

"He's...he's...oh my fucking god." Negan broke out in tears. "He's dead."  
 

 

  
 

Carl's face dropped and it literally looked like he'd been stabbed. "Not you're joking! This is another one of your stupid fucking jokes because you're an asshole."  
 

 

 

 

"No I'm not joking, Carl. Please just listen to me."  
   
   
   
"Yes you are! He's fine, I know he is! He's been through everything now please just tell me where dad is." Carl pleaded.  
   
   
   
Negan shook his head slowly, "I wouldn't joke about something like this, he's in the back seat.. you don't need to look."  
   
   
   
Being the stubborn teenager that Carl was he ignored his suggestion and opened the door to the back seat. He lifted the white sheet to see Ricks worn out boots and grey jeans.  
 

  
   
   
 "No. No! No no no.  Dad, please come back! Please!" Carl howled into the blanket.  
   
 

  
   
Negan had nothing in his fucking arsenal to fix this because there was no fixing it. Here he was walking towards Carl and pulling him into his arms so he could comfort him but it wouldn't do jack shit in the long run.

  
   
   
   
They weren't just going to have a funeral and move on, none of that was going to happen.  
   
   
   
"This can't be real." Carl was holding onto his shirt like a small child would.

  
   
   
   
"I wish it wasn't."  
 

 

* * *

  
 

 

  
For the past four months Negan had been trying to shovel anything and everything over the pain of losing Rick. Nothing worked aside from fucking and drinking. At one point he went down the road of pills but stopped before he got too out of control.

 

  
   
   
Here he was again having some woman climb on top of him, someone he couldn't remember the name of but she was eager to please him. Yet he didn't even care what the fuck she did, every movement was just a reminder of who he really wanted to be on top of him. Sometimes he would look for a guy that reminded him of Rick, see if they were down to fuck and he would pound them so hard into the sheets. It was only ever aggressive sex to get some of the anger out. When it didn't make him want to weep he would picture Rick because it was the only way he could get off successfully, by imaging his dead husband.

 

  
   
   
Negans mind started going back to the day he met Rick and Carl. That day had been filled to the grim with intensity and both of them were so shaken up from living on the road again. He remembered how Rick's beard was huge and Carl looked sickly.

 

 

 

They were practically starving after traveling without much food. And when asked about why they were on their own Carl told them they got separated from their group. Apparently a crazy man nick named "The Governor" killed someone named Hershel and that triggered the chaos. That the only family Rick and Carl had left in the world were scattered or dead. At first Negan was too cautious but he ended up wrong about any presumptions he made that day.

 

  
   
   
He was certain that he would never be in another relationship ever again and that he would just fuck until he couldn't do that anymore. Negan let the woman get her orgasm from the sex he barely contributed to then she got off him. He wasn't even close yet and it was uncomfortable so he planned to finish himself off in the shower.

 

 

 

For some reason whoever her name was decided to lay against him, her dirty blonde hair was splayed out. Nothing inside Negan craved that type of intimacy anymore, sex was the only thing filling voids and not even that well either.

  
   
 

"Um, you can go now." Negan deadpanned. "You got your fucking jollies now please leave."  
 

  
   
   
The woman raised both her eye brows and huffed, "That's fucking rude to say."  
   
 

  
 

"Yeah, well I'm an asshole.  
   
 

  
   
Whoever she was attempted to slap him in the mouth but the hit barely registered with him. It only reminded Negan why he should screen people before he fucked them. He put on his boxers then padded his way to the bathroom and didn't even bother saying goodbye or that she should come back. The woman was cussing at him from the other side of the door, telling him that he was a piece of shit, that his dick was crooked, that he was bad in bed.  
   
   
 

He definitely wouldn't be fucking her again.  
 

  
   
   
Negan ignored her then got into his shower to relax. The water traveled down his body and he washed the sweat off him. Memories of Rick were wrapping around him like a cocoon. They were memories of their first kiss, the first time they slept together, the moment he knew it was love and how magical their wedding day was. Negan tried his best to make the wedding beautiful despite it happening in a factory.

  
   
   
He closed his eyes for one second then opened them and saw Rick standing there.  
 

 

  
 

It really wasn't the first fucking time.

 

  
   
   
When it first happened he almost shat himself on spot because Rick was just laying in bed with him. Negan right away thought it was a dream but after pinching himself, he realized it wasn't. They would sometimes have conversations whether it was discussing how Carl was or whatever. And Negan knew it was all in his god damn head but he didn't want it to stop. Rick's fingers touched his mouth and he smiled (which he never was much for it) then started walking forwards. His breath was caught in his lungs when a hand reached down and began stroking him. With every stroke he let out a soft moan.  
   
 

 

  
   
"It's okay Negan, you can let go.. you can let it go." Rick softly whispered in his ear as he resumed stroking his dick.  
   
   
 

  
Negan began crying, "Don't leave me, don't fucking leave me again."  
   
 

  
   
"I can't stay, you know that."  
   
 

  
   
"I wanna fucking die 'cause it just hurts too goddamn much. " He sobbed as he came in spurts.  
 

 

  
 

"You'll be okay." Rick said. "Move on without me."  
 

 

  
 

Negan was about to protest against that but Rick wasn't there anymore and his own hand was wrapped around his softening dick.  
 

* * *

 

  
He had to check on Carl today because the last time he did was a couple days ago and while the boy was capable.. he was still responsible for him. Negan dragged himself out of bed without bothering to take a shower, even though he was covered in sweat from the nightmares.  
 

  
   
These days Simon had been giving updates occasionally of what was going on but kept reminding him that had to come back eventually. While Negan knew that his people needed him to be the leader again it just caused him more anxiety than anything. Negan did want to be the leader still but that was only small portions of him had the energy for it.

 

  
He drank practically everyday and giving  orders while drunk was fucking ridiculous. Negan would either lash out or start laughing at how pointless it was trying to rebuild civilization in a shit world. What the fuck was actually trying to do here? Make life good for everyone? They were just there to survive. And the group he'd been taking from for months were exceptionally difficult, it was all because he killed two fucking people meanwhile they killed dozens at his outpost.  
   
 

  
   
What a fucking joke.

  
   
   
   
   
   
After taking a couple shots of whiskey just to leave his room he stumbled all the way to Carl's room and thankfully he was there.  
   
 

  
 

"Are you supposed to be somewhere today?" Negan slurred. "Not that it fucking matters.. place won't fall apart if you skip one day."  
   
 

  
   
Carl sighed deeply and rubbed his temple, "You're drunk, again."  
   
 

  
   
"Yeah I'm fucking drunk, I'm drunk every goddamn day. What's your point?"  
   
 

  
   
"Dad would want you to do something, even get some fresh air. When was the last time you went outside?"

 

  
   
   
"Hey." Negan pointed at him. "I'm the one whose supposed to look after your stubborn ass not the other way around."  
   
   
 

 

"Too bad."

  
   
   
   
"You know I fucking get that I'm a pathetic piece of shit but you can at least pretend otherwise."  
   
 

  
 

"I don't think you're pathetic or a piece of shit." Carl stated. "But you need to do better, if not for me, then for dad."  
 

  
   
 

Negan reached out and rubbed the kid's shoulder, "Listen, you fucking matter to me but every time I look at you.. I see.."  
   
 

  
 

"You see him, don't you? Is that why you won't come see me very often?"  
   
 

  
 

"Yes." Negan admitted.  
   
 

  
   
All his grief was choking him out every day, he found when he would look right into Carl's eyes it would remind him of Rick,from his snarky behavior to the icy glare that he'd sometimes give.

  
   
   
   
Carl set his comic down onto the mattress and got up from where he was sitting. They left his room so they could oversee some projects together. It was the first time in four months that Negan had been actively involved in anything. Everyone was giving him weird stares like he was an outsider all of a sudden. What the fuck were they staring at? He could easily bash their heads in with Lucille just for looking at him sideways.

  
   
 

He checked out the plans for the garden that Rick had wanted to build and was impressed by the progression. There were tons of seeds to plant, a huge chunk of area to grow. Negan recalled the day that Rick told him they should start growing their own vegetables, apparently he did it at the prison and learned from Hershel.  
   
 

 

From across the way he noticed Rick was standing beside the gate with his back turned. Negan casually walked over there so he wouldn't draw attention to himself and Carl was giving him odd looks about it. He had to hold himself back from latching onto a hand that wasn't there.

  
   
 

"Don't blame yourself for my death, us meeting was a miracle."

  
   
 

Negan bit back his sob, "No it really fucking wasn't. I was your death sentence."  
   
 

  
 

"Ending up stuck out there woulda been our death sentence, mine and Carl's. We were starving, he was broken.. so was I."  
   
 

  
 

"You deserved better than whatever I gave you and so did Lucille. How many times have I ruined someone's life? The only people I've ever loved in this life time have died on me. I'm a fucking curse." Negan said flatly.  
 

  
   
   
Rick started rubbing his lower back again just like he liked, "What happened to me wasn't 'cause I was with you. A walker got me and that woulda eventually happened."  
 

  
   
 

"Please don't say that shit."

  
   
 

"Don't lie to yourself and say our marriage was bound to last for 20 years and we'd grow old together. That wasn't our destiny and you know it and I lost so many people at the end of the world. Somewhere along the way I was bound to die or lose myself."

  
   
 

Negan scrunched his eyebrows together, "Are you real?"  
   
   
 

 

"You know I ain't real."  
 

  
   
 

"Just thought I'd give it a shot by asking. No harm in it."  
   
   
   
Their fingers were touching for a moment but Negan had to make sure to pull away. Someone was going to see him reaching for nothing. When all he fucking wanted was for it to be real.

  
   
   
 

And then he was gone again.  
 

 

 

* * *

 

  
_"Hot diggity dog it's our wedding night! Can you believe it?! How fucking lucky can I be to marry the hottest guy left on the planet."_  
  


 

_Rick rolled his eyes, "Stop. There's someone out there a lot more attractive than me."_  


  


_"Don't be humble. No one is hotter than you. In fact you're hotter than George fucking Clooney ever was."_  
  
  
  
_"You thought George Clooney was hot?"_  
  
  


_Oh shit he admitted that out loud._  
  


 

_Negan shrugged, "Hell fucking yeah I did. Imagine if we coulda had a threesome with Clooney. What guy did you fantasy sticking your dick in?"_  
  


  


_"Heh.." Rick gave him a look. "I can't tell you."_  
  
  


_"I tell you everything!"_  


  


_"Which makes up for me not sayin' another word."_  


  


_Having  silly arguments like this were regular occurrence even before they got married so he was used to Rick holding back. Then on the other side he gave so much of himself  and kept certain pieces hidden._  


  


_"Fine fine fine. Do you wanna fuck or can we just lay down like two old fools?"_

  
  


_Rick stared at the bed that was covered in rose petals (how cheesy, but romantic) and somehow he had no desire to bump or grind._  
  


  


_"If we get the urge then yeah but right now I'm exhausted.. all that booze has me tired."_  
  


  
  
_"I fucking hear ya." Negan started to strip down to his boxers. "So you're saying if my dick presses against your ass and you get horny, we'll get it on like Donkey Kong?"_

 

  
  


_"Yes, if I'm in the mood then we will .. do that."_

 

  
  


_Negan flashed him a smirk, "You're so fucking cute when you're serious."_

 

  
  


_"Get into bed you idiot."_  
  


  
  
_They both flopped down on the bed together almost at the same time. Negan admired how in sync they tended to be. How when they'd go on runs Rick would always share the same concerns, same excitement, same nervous moments._  


 

  


_But did they share the same fears given they both lost their wives during the apocalypse (granted Lori died more horrifically) ? Was losing him something that Rick sometimes stayed awake thinking about? He was a lot fucking stronger than him so maybe not. Not long after they began their relationship Rick told him about Lori, she briefly slept with his best friend and got pregnant by him. Not only that but his best friend tried to kill him and that was when he ended Shane's life._

  


_To survive that on top of the fall of the world and the endless tragedies he experienced from start to finish was so fucking unfair. Someone like Rick deserved better than that._  
  
  
  
_"Baby?" Negan breathed against his neck._  


  


_Rick smiled, "Yes? What do ya need?"_  


  


_"Just wanted to see if you were still awake."_  


  


_"Are you sure?"_  
  


  
_He always knew whether or not Negan had an angle to a question._  
  


 

_"I was checking to see if you were still alive.. to see if you were still here with me."_

  
  


_"Is this 'cause of Lucille?"_  


  


_Negan's eyes were becoming wet with tears, coating his husbands neck. "A little bit but I don't wanna lose you, I can't fucking lose you. If that happens then I don't know what I'll actually do."_  


  


_"If this happens.. if you do lose me please don't get consumed by it. I know how you are when somethin' hurts, when you're in pain and it consumes you."_  
  
  


  
_"But Rick -"_

  
  


_Rick turned over so that he was face to face with him. His fingers started wiping away the tears that lingered there. "You're stronger than you even realize and it's pretty damn stupid of you not to know that."_  
  


 

_"You know when you start talking all wise like that it makes my dick fucking rock hard."_  


  


_"Does it now? I didn't notice.." Rick wanted to change the mood so they could enjoy their wedding night. "Maybe I should find out if that's true or not."_  
  


 

_"Maybe you should darlin' "_  


  


_Ricks hand started inching down towards the bulge growing in Negan's boxers. Once he reached there he began rubbing his hand aggressively against it._  
  


  
  
_"Looks like we're gonna get it on now."_

  
  


_"Please, don't say it like that." Rick laughed._

  
  


_"What? Get it on like Donkey Kong."_

  
  


_Rick continued his aggressively rubbing, "Alright that's it, I want a divorce."_

  
  


_"No can do, you're mine baby."_

  
  


_He leaned in and kissed tenderly against Rick's lips and soon they were shedding their boxers and making love in their bed._

 

* * *

   
Each thought had a specific scenario to it, Negan would sometimes lose his shit then blow his brains out or slit his wrists open so much that blood would flow out like a river. It was all just thoughts. But sometimes they rushed through  like a train on its tracks and he'd look at his gun too long or contemplate taking a whole bunch of pills. Negan's tongue savored the brown liquor in his mouth. His hands wrapped around the glass and he relaxed into the couch like it was just a regular day where everything was relatively fine.

  
   
   
Waking up everyday was becoming less habitual and more of a chore which was just fucking fantastic. Until he was booted down from his pedestal as leader the Sanctuary was a responsibility. Something he'd been neglecting for months now but the hurricane in his head and the sloppy behavior that drunkenness brought him made it less enticing.  
   
 

 

Negan struggled to get up off his couch but somehow was able to then he went to pour himself another drink until Rick was leaning over the couch.  
 

  
 

"You're drinkin' again? How many drinks have you had today?"  
 

  
 

He was just a hallucination so it didn't matter what he asked or how he asked because it wasn't fucking real.  
   
 

  
   
Rick was gone and wouldn't ever be coming back.  
   
 

  
 

"Why does it matter? You're not even fucking here." Negan spat.  
   
 

  
 

"Do you know why you keep seeing me?"  
   
   
 

  
Negan slammed his drink back and let the booze take over. "I've lost my goddamn mind that's why. "  
 

  
   
   
"You've been through so much trauma so yes in a sense you have lost your mind. But eventually you won't see me even though I know how much you want to still."

 

  
   
 

"So what? I can't just fucking have anything? What the fuck am I supposed to do?!" Negan threw his glass against the wall.  
   
 

  
 

And to top it all off Carl was standing in the doorway with a shocked look on his face.  
   
 

  
 

"Fuck, I'm so sorry for that."  
 

  
   
 

Carl acknowledged his apology with a nod then resumed to speak."Did dad ever tell you that he used to see my mom?"  
   
   
 

 

 

"He did?"

 

  
   
 

"Yeah, after she died he started to see her. At first everyone was too scared to approach him about it but eventually he told me what was wrong."  
   
   
   
"Why'd he never tell me that?"  
   
 

 

"Probably didn't want you to worry about him."  
 

 

  
 

Negan smiled briefly, "He was always thinking about everyone else, probably one of the most selfless people I ever fucking knew."  
   
 

 

  
 

"I know we didn't get off to a good start and I always thought Michonne and my dad would've ended up together." Carl looked away. "But you made him happy and I'm glad you're my .. step dad."  
 

 

  
   
   
"I'm glad I am too kid. C'mere."  
 

  
 

Even though Carl was reluctant to get a hug he still walked over and casually wrapped his arms around Negan's back. He was trying his hardest not to cry like a big fucking sap. Almost succeeded. Until he felt Carl crying into his white t-shirt, it was something that was rare for him to see, other than a few times in the past four months he'd barely seen Carl shed a tear.  
   
 

 

 

Negan knew there would be more nights of wanting to die, wishing he could've been the one to go but sticking around for Carl was important.  
 

 

  
   
   
And Rick wanted this.

  
   
   
   
"I miss him." Carl muttered.

 

  
   
 

"I know it fucking hurts buddy and it feels like you're shitting razors everyday."

 

  
   
 

Carl tried to hide how much he was chuckling, "You say such stupid things all the time."

 

  
   
 

"Don't I know it."  
 

 

  
   
While Negan had no damn clue if he would ever find that closure or if there would actually be brighter days. But one thing he knew was that him and Carl needed each other and that wasn't going to change.


End file.
